“I love my husband dearly, but there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t feel guilty about something. It could be about the kids, my health, my work, the house or my marriage. If I’m lucky it’s just one of those things, but there are days where they all weigh me down. I try not to stay trapped under there because that burden is tough to carry.” – Darcy Zalewski
I’ve been dealing with wife, well, fiance guilt, ever since I left my full-time Paralegal job at the end of March this year. I was 7.5 months pregnant when I stopped working. I spent most of my days preparing our home for Kayleigh’s arrival, and after everything was ready for her, I spent most of my days laying around on the couch, watching Grey’s Anatomy and Private Practice all the way through for the 4th time on Netflix.
Towards the end of my pregnancy, I was feeling pretty miserable. I was huge, sore, tired, dealing with heartburn constantly and very cranky. I wanted Kayleigh OUT, but she decided she would stay in there for 41 weeks!
I had intended to start working on my blog again during those final weeks before her arrival. I wasn’t earning a paycheck anymore, and felt like I needed to contribute financially still. I just didn’t have it in me to do it though. John would come home from a long day at work, and I would feel guilty that I just laid around all day doing nothing.
Shortly after Kayleigh’s birth, I began working on my blog again, and it’s keeping me very busy now. I currently have about 10 sponsored posts I need to get done, with several more on the horizon. Trying to write a blog post with a teething 4 month old screaming her head off most of the day is no easy task.
Most of my blog posts consist of going to the store and purchasing a company’s product. Then, I need to come back home, use said product and take photos. Then, I need to transfer the photos to my computer, edit them to look blog-worthy, and then I can finally start writing my post. After I’ve written my post, I have to share it on all of my social media outlets, and then report my links to the sponsor. It’s a very time-consuming process.
Because I spend so much time putting these blog posts together, housework is often neglected. I do what I can, when I can, but I just can’t keep up with it all. At any given moment, I’ve got about 4 loads of laundry to do, a pile of dirty dishes in the sink, a bathroom floor covered with hair, and trash that needs to be taken out to the dumpster.
Kayleigh took a couple of really good naps yesterday, which is pretty unusual for her. I decided to use the time to load all of the dirty dishes into the dishwasher, and then I pounded out 3 blog posts. I felt like I had accomplished quite a bit, and was on cloud 9!
John didn’t get home from work until 7:00pm, and by then I was busy trying to get Kayleigh ready for bed, so I asked him to make dinner. I always feel guilty asking him to make dinner. First of all, because I know he absolutely hates cooking, and second, because he’s been at work all day, and I know all he wants to do at the end of the day is come home and relax.
He made dinner without too much fuss, and I got Kayleigh down to sleep fairly early, which is highly unusual these days. John and I were both too exhausted to actually do anything together though, so we just sat on the couch. He browsed Facebook and I worked on my blog some more. Sadly, most of our nights end up like this. Just one more thing I feel guilty about!
This morning, I woke up in a really good mood. Kayleigh actually slept through the night last night, and didn’t wake up until 6:50am! Not only that, but I was very eager to watch last night’s season premiere of Grey’s Anatomy while enjoying my morning cup of coffee.
My good mood turned sour real quick though, when John said to me right before he left for work “Don’t take this the wrong way…”. Those are always promising words. “…but do you think you could try to pick up around here today?” Ouch. I felt as though I had been kicked in the gut. How could I not take that the wrong way?? He obviously feels like I don’t do a darn thing around here, is how I felt.
My response in my snarkiest voice was “I’ll try. I earned $125.00 yesterday, but I’m sorry the house didn’t get picked up!” Then HE felt guilty and apologized for his comment to me. I still felt like crap though.
In my previous marriage, I was always the breadwinner. After my divorce, I was able to fully support myself. I haven’t been without a job since I was 17 years old, so it’s been a huge adjustment having to completely depend on someone else financially over the past 6 months. I don’t know if I’ll ever get over my feelings of guilt about not working outside the home. I know I am doing what’s best for my daughter, and saving us daycare and additional vehicle expenses by staying home, but when my old payday rolls around each week, and my bank account balance still says $10.00, it really sucks.
I have resolved to not let my guilt take me over. There will always be things to feel guilty about. If I was bringing home a regular paycheck, I would feel guilty about putting Kayleigh in daycare, and not seeing her as much as I would like. If my house was the cleanest house in town, I’d feel guilty that I wasn’t spending enough time with her, or trying to earn money from home.
Kayleigh will never be this little again, and right now I am going to soak up ever minute I can get with her. All I can do is take everything one day at a time, and do the best I can. I may not be perfect, but I am a great Mom, and a pretty good fiance.